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Sunday, March 22, 2009

Have I earned this life?

Last week end it was back to Ohio. This time for a baby shower for my brother, Mathew's daughter Rachel. It wasn't really about the shower though. Only Natalie, Jen and I went and we decided to make it a "girls" week end. We left here Friday and spent the night in PA with Grandma Joyce & Steve. No one was looking forward to it but it was a very pleasant evening. We then went on to the biggest set of Outlet stores in the US. We spent 10 hours saving money and then were off to our hotel in Ohio and after having dinner we got to bed not much before midnight. We got up to go to church and breakfast with Grandpap & Ruth and had a wonderful visit. Then off to the shower where I spent 2 hours chatting with my sisters and we got to meet our niece's girlfriend, the first time she has brought one to a family function. What a great week end, I feel lucky to have such a loving family.
We had a visiting priest today and he asked the question "Have you earned this life?". Strange because that's exactly how I've been feeling lately. Have I done enough in life to justify my life? Is it time to relax and just coast through. Tom has been talking about leaving his job and taking a disability retirement. I have to say that makes me anxious. I'm not ready for the downhill side of life. I DID quit my job and I haven't done much with my life since then so why shouldn't Tom do the same? He has a much better reason (constant pain) and a monetary plan. It's wrong and I'm sexist. I just want to be taken care of and that's wrong on so many levels.
So, obviously I realize that I have NOT earned this life. Last night I got on the local county's volunteer web sight to see where I could help. I have a problem with anxiety around new people and places so I volunteered for things I can do at home. Last year shortly after I quit my job I spent 3 days a week at the school where Thomas teaches. It was a rare day when it wasn't hard to get motivated to go but I enjoyed it each time. In the end though it didn't seem like I really did much good. I want to help but . . . I don't know what. I don't know if it's my anxiety or just laziness.
Church does this to me every time. I cry every week. I see the families with kids and remember when that was us. I see the alter servers and remember when they were my sons and how proud I was then. When Tom was a Eucharistic minister and the Parish Counsel President and I was a reader, a Sunday School teacher, a member of the women's group and organizer of Vacation Bible School. When our lives were so full and everyone knew who we were. We spent Holy week with our friends in Rome and had the bishop to our house for Christmas Eve dinner. I turn 50 in May and I'm not quite sure what that means for me. We've raised our family as hands on parents and now as hands on grandparents. Is that enough or should we do more? Is this what God intended for me?

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